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Ellen Oxman – WNN SOAPBOX
(WNN) New York, NEW YORK, U.S.: My husband had done many, many things for which he could have and should have been arrested while we were under the same roof. He pushed me down many times. He locked me in the bathroom and would not let me out; I had to be rescued by our baby sitter. The list is long and upsetting.
When I finally could not take being thrown against the wall, it was that time I called the police. Since my now ex-husband and his brothers are lawyers, he locked himself in a back room in our apartment and called them and I guess all his other legal buddies. It is my sense now, that the police were told not to arrest him, to just take him out of the apartment and to stay away. Although visibly injured, they did not tell me to go to the hospital. They ignored me.
I had no idea what my rights were or how to handle it. The police told me nothing and just took my ex-husband out. I told them what happened but they did not tell me I could get an order of protection. They did not tell me that severe bruises don’t show up for days. This was after his most vicious attack on me up until then. I didn’t even know what an order of protection was, nor did I have any idea of my rights. No one told me to go to the emergency room.
If men in power want to quash, squash and quiet a story, they can and do.
High conflict divorces seem to leap from the flames of domestic violence. People who no longer have a functioning marriage, and are adults, know how to negotiate their way out of a bad situation, to protect their children and to keep everyone’s self-respect intact. Like real adults, they take responsibility for their actions.
In divorces that end up in a trial, something else is going on – domination, power and control, which were the very things that brought the marriage to its knees in the first place. There is a lot of literature and a number of very respected studies on this. A mother does not go from being great to being a failure as a mom in a short few months.
How do most lawyers work with a high conflict divorce? They begin to gaslight the party that will be the losing party, most often the woman. This has been a complaint for a very long time here in New York city (U.S.), especially in the matrimonial industry, which is a billion dollar industry, filled with ‘experts’ in every area.
But the experts are for hire, and he who pays the piper calls the tune.
I don’t drink, nor do drugs. Because my ex-husband and his brothers wanted a high-conflict divorce, they brought up anything they could to cause character assassination. They made the fact that I don’t drink and do drugs an issue. They made up outrageous lies and hoped I would stumble in to some mess. My lawyers went along with them, because that is how these cases work.
Gaslighting is how they work.
I had hired some lawyers briefly who never gave me the facts, as I now understand them. They never told me my rights, or the case law that applies, that as the non-monied spouse they could ask the judge to award me fees, to protect my interests procedurally, and that of my children. In fact, not one of my lawyers told me my rights because they really were not on my side.
That is the way this industry works. It is unregulated. They work the monied side of the case, because it’s business; it’s not a lawyer practicing the law. Lawyers in ‘Kangaroo Courts’ run only one way, and that is not the fair and balanced way.
If only our courts could function to protect all of us, not just the ones who know how to ‘purchase’ justice, ‘purchase’ a trial, raffling off children who will take a lifetime to understand what on earth hit them.
I have met women who are lawyers and doctors who have been put in this corner and they cannot understand how it happened. The stories I have heard and seen personally bear this out.
Ellen Oxman currently lives in New York and wanted to share her own personal story. Her story is one that may apply to many other women worldwide.
2012 WNN – Women News Network
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